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Ever gotten an MRI of your brain?  Well, it’s sort of the most terrifying thing ever.

First, they hook you up to an IV.

Next, they put this plastic cage thingy over your head to keep it still.

Then the technician pushed some buttons, and into the machine I went.  Head first.  For an hour.  I was told there would be music.  Instead, I got the MRI machine playing me the song of its people.  Beep beep bebebebeebebe beep.  Boop boop whiiiiiiir.   It was pretty wonderful.

Turns out there are several MRI memes. The more you know!

I was told to just try and fall asleep, but every time I closed my eyes, the entire thing just seemed even scarier.  So I kept them open.  And looked at the tiny specks of dust inside the machine.  For an hour.  Then I tried to practice my speech for public speaking in my head, but that didn’t really work.  So I just laid there.  For an hour.  And silently freaked out to myself.

The entire time I was thinking about House.  In House, they never get through the MRI.  Something always happens to the patient in the scanner.  It’s as though whenever the writers are at a loss for how to advance the plot line, they just have Dr. House order an MRI.  Because something will happen during the MRI.  So I was afraid of that.

 

Then, the dye.  They inject it in through an IV in your arm, and I could feel it literally pulsing through my arm and up to my head.  It felt cold, then warm, and then it smelled strange and chemical-y. But it was like I was smelling it inside my head.  It was maybe the most unusual sensation ever. And I couldn’t move or else I would ruin the entire test and have to go through it all over again.  So I just laid there and looked around and freaked out silently to myself.

When it was finally over, I was ejected from the machine.  But actually, that little cot nearly flew off the table.  The MRI was totally done dealing with me.  The MRI technician took my IV out, pulled the cage off my head, and then told me I was all done.  That was it.  So I climbed off the cot and walked my little self out of the MRI suite and back to my exam room.  In socks and a hospital gown and a messy bun and with my hand over my IV bandage to keep it from bleeding everywhere.  It was definitely, by far, the proudest moment of my life.

I never want to do it again.

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